I made a delightful new friend recently. Someone who thinks, feels very differently than I do.

Once, I effectively charged this person with some small failing, and, as he had demonstrated a hundred times before, he responded with empathy. I knew, in interacting with this person that I was dealing with one of the softest, gentlest human beings on the planet. But to respond in empathy towards a charge against himself! He was unhesitatingly assenting to his own failing!

Empathy is in part looking from the other person’s perspective. Until recent times, I sucked at this. Now, I suck a little less. In interacting with this sweet soul, I realized one thing: he was not only looking from my perspective, but rooting for me! Fighting for me!

If I understand, he would start by seeing from the other person’s perspective (empathy), then find some way to initially agree with something that person said (validate, find common ground), and, only if needed, voice dissent later. He was doing everything he could, even if it was a cost to him, to find a way to interpret my statement so that it would in some way be true or valuable. (Perhaps this is the “saving face” ethos we associate with Asian culture? It’s not very American!)

I can not imagine thinking this way. I was raised in a combative mindset. Competition. Don’t make mistakes. Fight for the truth. Just, fight in general. Call out error! There’s a toughness to it but not a reasonableness. It feels, honestly, largely animalistic, i.e. it’s what you would do if you had never reflected on your motivation and behavior. It is childish.

The world of my friend is highly sophisticated. His initial support in no way means he largely or totally agrees with you. But, you will feel safe/loved, because he leads with a validating statement or an empathetic one, even if it costs him. This kind of approach is disarming. It would be invaluable in an argument. It is the near equivalent of what another spectacular human being taught me: an old engineering manager encouraged me to use “philosophical charity”, which is the idea that no matter how dumb or illogical someone else’s idea is, you interact with the best possible interpretation of their idea (which may involve observing that the person said X, but most likely meant Y, thus you generously help them).

How gentle the world would be if each person’s first response was to say “in what way could this person be right?” or “what might this person know that I don’t?” or “what don’t I know about this person that would explain this odd thing I just heard?”. Essentially, these are good faith statements. We live in a world of bad faith. My heart frequently defaults to bad faith, sadly. Cynicism = bad faith.

But back to the spectacular example my friend set. I now see he was constantly rooting for me, fighting for me! What a gift. This, my friends, is what I will begin to give to others: my belief in you.